Harry Potter and the whimsical drabbles
by slytherinsal
Summary: Herein one or two one-shots, to which I may add more if the mood takes me, which cover the monsters from the id or other such trash which seem like a good idea at 3am when woken by drunks/cats/bladder/toasted cheese lying heavy
1. Chapter 1

**Bwa-hah-hah**

Hermione looked over Harry's shoulder.

"What are you writing? You said you'd done all your assignments - _Harry!_ I can't believe you are writing something called 'How I can be a successful Dark Lord'! Have you been possessed? Is your scar hurting? Talk to me, Harry!"

"It's a bit hard to talk to you when you are firing off stupid questions like a machine gun," said Harry. "Why don't you read it?"

Hermione huffed but snatched up the page of messy writing and read.

How I can be a successful Dark Lord

 _First it is necessary to study previous successful dark lords to see their methods. Voldemort is not a successful dark lord as he alienates his followers and can only rule them by fear._

 _Madam Puddifoot is a very successful dark lord._

"What?"

"Keep reading."

 _Madam Puddifoot controls youths through the power of pink, and through overly sugared confections, convincing them that she is promoting their well-being and love life whereas she is well placed to make or break relationships with a casual word, such as hinting that one of them is two-timing._

 _Proof of this utter evil: Pansy Parkinson wears pink and so does She-who-must-not-be-named._

 _Therefore when I have evil minions I will insist that they wear robes of frilly pink. My minions will have more kittens than any other dark lord in existence and they will all be so cute that every witch in the country will adore them and me for having so many kittens. If I am adored I will not have to be feared._

 _People who are allergic to kittens will have to be found menial jobs suitable for such depraved persons._

"You mean it's a spoof?"

"You might say so, I couldn't possibly comment. I'm preparing this as a manifesto in order to combat the next lot of lies about me planning to be a dark lord. Besides, it's funny."

"Harry!"

"What, I'm not allowed to have a laugh to combat the misery she and Snape are pouring onto me?"

"Oh. I'm sorry Harry."

"Keep reading."

 _In order to emulate dark lords like Madam Puddifoot, I shall learn a sweet voice and reasonable tone to throw people off guard. I will call everyone 'dear'._

"Harry, this isn't about Madam Puddifoot at all, it's about ..."

"Of course it is, dear, now don't be silly and don't abandon sweet reason, who else could it be about?"

"Oh Harry! I ... I think you might be on to something rather brilliant here."

 _When I need to punish my minions, I will be very sorrowful that it is for their own good, and I will use punishments which sap their strength and make them too tired to rebel against me. I will have an executive officer to carry out punishments so I have plausible deniability about the severity. As a successful dark lord, however, having had a minion punished, I will give them a cuddle and feed them tea and cakes and tell them how much nicer it is to be friends. If they spew up at my sweetness, I will probably have to execute them. Very regretfully. And I will have them buried in a coffin with pink silk lining and lace .with hearts on. However as I plan to make sure none of them are any good at spell work, they won't be able to rebel successfully._

 _I will never tell a rebelling hero my plans before I execute him in case he gets away_

 _I will make sure I always have a kitten or, even better, a sweet six-year-old orphan on my lap if anyone comes to kill me to ask the hero 'why is you twying to hurt mine uncle Hawwy who feeds me ice-cweam?'_

 _I will never have a stupid tattoo to identify my top minions._

 _I will never have my minions cover their faces with any kind of mask since it is easy then for other side to blip one of my followers on the bean and take their place._

 _I will encourage my minions to be friends, and to exchange extravagant gifts, so that none of them can afford to overthrow me._

 _I will permit my enemies to think that they can get into my secret hideout by answering sphinx riddles, but in reality she will only let people through whose magical auras are known to her. Those who correctly answer riddles are ushered past her into the obligatory oubliette. Those who fail are her perks for a varied diet._

 _I will restore order in Hogwarts and do away with house rivalry by making all the robes pink._

 _I will take pinkness to new depths by making it illegal to grow any kind of cabbage which isn't red._

 _I will give prizes to anyone who can find a way to make grass pink, and this will probably make Neville my most trusted advisor and lord of utter pinkness._

 _I will have Barbie declared a National Treasure._

"Barbie is American, Harry."

"What? This means war, Hermione, we will have to fight to free Barbie from MACUSA!"

"Barbie has always been American. Brits have Sindy."

"Well, she isn't pink."

"Change it to 'I will make a deal with Barbie as Dark Lady of MACUSA," said Hermione. "Wait, did I actually say that?"

"Brilliant," said Harry, snatching back the parchment to make an amendment.

 _I will make Pink Floyd National Treasures, but only if they change the covers of their albums to be pink like their name._

 _I will insist on pink icing on all confectionary._

 _I will have my trusted advisor, Neville, develop pink roses with vicious thorns and imbued with warding spells to protect all my properties, and Hagrid will breed caterpillars to live in them which are pink and have real cat faces. When they turn into butterflies they will have bodies of cats with pink butterfly wings._

"I think you lost it now," said Hermione.

"More than likely," said Harry. "Anything I should add before I send it to the 'Quibbler'?"

"How about, 'subscribing half-heartedly to the power of pink will be forbidden, and wearing only a pink cardigan over ordinary clothes does not count as sufficiently evil."

"Love it," said Harry, writing it in. "D'you mind taking it to Luna?"

Hermione sighed.

"At once, your Pinkness," she said.


	2. Chapter 2

**A mother's protection is against all ill intent.**

Dumbledore regarded the infant in the hospital wing with satisfaction. The ritual he had suggested to Lily Evans Potter had worked just fine. Her magic had protected her son and bounced back on Tom Riddle. He wondered if the protection would last long enough to harm Tom another time. Well, if the boy went to Petunia Dursley who was bound to be resentful enough to see that he grew up humble, he would be willing to be a sacrifice, and if he survived the experience through his mother's magic, then it would make him even more grateful. Unlike the Evans girl, who had performed two useful services by dying, one in making a weapon against Riddle and two in removing herself and her too-clever interference in the way of the Wizarding World.

"Mumma!" Harry yelled. His mother did not, of course come, and magic rolled off him, shaking everything in the hospital ward.

This would never do, a child able to call on that much power would never grow up humble, his accidental magic would make the muggles fear him enough not to punish him for it. Albus raised his wand to bind the child's magic.

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An hour later, Poppy Pomfrey had to call the hospital elves to put Albus into a bed, having found him unconscious, and deal with the fever the baby had cried himself into, his sheer fury causing the wound on his head to burst open and vile black stuff to ooze out.

Poppy saw to the child first; such was her healer's nature, cleaning out the unpleasant blackness, and healing the wound to a nice pink bit of scar tissue. Then she turned to do diagnostics on Albus.

She repeated her tests.

It looked like a magical binding which had burned itself out along with his magic. Albus Dumbledore was a squib.

Poppy knew her duty.

This was something which could drive a wizard insane; she contacted St Mungo's for Albus to be taken into a secure ward in the Janus Thickey ward section. Squibs were not willingly treated by the magical hospital, but they would surely be more sympathetic for a once great man like Albus Dumbledore.

Meantime, the child needed someone to care for him. His name was Harry, Dumbledore had said. Oh well, if nobody claimed him, Poppy had always wanted children.

Harry Pomfrey was a good name.


	3. Chapter 3

**Inactions have consequences**

"Professor Karkaroff, I appear to have been expelled from Hogwarts School by Dumbledore's refusal to get me out of the competition," said Harry. "As I am without a school, and embarrassed by the lack of support of my innocence in entering my name, may I have the hospitality of your ship until the blasted Triwizard is over? Then I would like to transfer to your school. Your pupils seem like good sorts, which is more than I can say for the Beauxbatons crowd who are as stuck up as Malfoy."

"Harry, my boy, you cannot ..."

"Oh but I can, indeed I must, Professor Dumbeldore," said Harry. "You expelled me, and I find that embarrassing, so I must seek succour elsewhere. I could go and live in Hogsmeade, I suppose, except during the tasks."

"Nonsense, my boy, I didn't expel you," said Dumbledore, crossly.

"Yes you did," said Harry. "One competitor per school. When you agreed with my name coming out, you told me that [a] I am an adult and [b] I am not from Hogwarts school. Had you found a way around it, you would not find yourself in this position. Headmaster Karkaroff, will you take me?"

"If you will protect me from the Dark Lord," said Karkaroff.

"It's a deal," said Harry. "Professor Dumbledore seems to think I'm a weapon to aim at him, and as your school teaches the Dark Arts, I might actually learn enough to understand how to defeat him when I am grown up."

"Harry, you will go dark!" Dumbledore was panicking.

"If it keeps me alive, like I care?" said Harry.

Dumbledore passed out. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Luna's Lament**

 _Because I hate how people degrade Luna by saying she has dirty-blonde hair. No, it is not a description, it is a judgement_

Luna was very upset. Her creator had made her strange, with a different view on life than most people had; but she had not said that Luna's hair was dirty. Yet the blibbering humdingers who made the other whens and wheres said she had dirty blonde hair. Even the outside ones were infested with nargles. It wasn't fair. Luna shrugged. She should be used to things not being fair. Maybe she should try to be a blibbering humdinger herself and write her own other universe where Harry Potter did not let anyone call her Looney, or call her hair dirty. That would almost be like having a friend.


	5. Chapter 5

**The betrothal**

"Whaddya want, snake?" Ron growled at Pansy Parkinson. She had cornered him after Potions after Harry had been carted off for the wand weighing ceremony.

Pansy gave a hollow laugh.

"Ronald Weasley, I want ten minutes of your time which could end up with you being wealthy."

"What's the catch?" Ron was interested.

"The catch is having your father draw up a fool-proof betrothal contract in the old pure-blooded way, stating that the bride must be a virgin on her wedding night," said Pansy.

"Betrothal contract? Who for?" Ron goggled.

"You and me, obviously," said Pansy.

"You and me?"

"Please, Weasley, I'd be a compliant wife, have children, keep house, not notice any mistresses you had," said Pansy.

Ron blinked.

"But ... why?" he asked, absently checking out her budding assets.

"Because if I have a surefire betrothal contract to a pureblooded wizard my father won't rape me at Christmas," said Pansy, stung into honesty.

"Your _father?_ But fathers don't do that!" Ron went red.

"Are you really that naive?" hissed Pansy. "You were winding me up about the love bites I had on the train, they weren't from Malfoy, they were from my daddy dearest as he said goodbye to his _dear princess._ "

"Fuck!" said Ron.

"Not yet," said Pansy. "But he said he would at Christmas. We would celebrate Yule in a _special way_ he said, and I knew what he meant. He touches me every night. Please, Weasely, I don't want to belong to a Death Eater in training like most of my house mates, please, I'll do anything you want."

Ronald Weasley was immature, but he wasn't immature enough to have a revelation that this would mean endless blow jobs in broom cupboards; he was, if nothing else, reared to be a gentleman, and he was his father's son even if he was unfortunately all to often also his mother's son too. His ears went red with anger.

"I'll kill him!" he screeched.

"Fine, but get me out of his house first," said Pansy. "And what's more you could be Parkinson-Weasley and have a seat at the Wizengamot when he's dead, and a really solid fortune."

"Bugger the fortune, real men don't behave like that!" shouted Weasley, surprising Pansy. "I'll write to my father right away. Um, will you marry me?"

"Yes, Ronald!" said Pansy, hugging him.

Pansy was quite a well developed girl, if not as much so as Millie Bulstrode and Ron rather enjoyed the experience.

Pansy sighed in relief as she felt him enjoy the experience. She was dreading sleeping with anyone but at least a boy her own age who she could manipulate to enjoy himself and be pleased with her would be better than her own father – or any of the other Slytherin boys. She had tried making up to Draco, but he, too, had revealed too cruel a streak. Ron was merely Gryffindorishly obnoxious, and that could be trained out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Triwizard and The List.**

Harry walked naked into the great hall. The girls all giggled.

"Potter! One hundred points from Gryffindor!" shouted Snape

"I claim diplomatic immunity, being from another school as I have been declared to be. Number 51. Oh and number 16."

"What?" asked Hermione.

"Number 16; forbidden to come to great hall skyclad," said Harry.

"Mr. Potter," said McGonagall in a hollow voice, "Am I to infer that you have acquired The List?"

"Yes, ma'am," said Harry. "I'm going to work through it until I am removed from the triwizard."

"Albus!" McGonagall was visibly panicking. "You have to find a way to get Harry out of the triwizard, it is imperative, before he starts on the numbers below ten!"

Dumbledore twinkled wildly.

"What can be so bad about this list?"

The rumble of an explosion interrupted him.

"Number 8; forbidden to blow up the astronomy tower," said Harry. "Number 9 about to go off."

There were collective shrieks as every robe in the room became pink and frilly. Snape almost passed out in shock.

"My HERO!" screamed Pansy Parkinson, flinging herself on Harry. Harry snogged her firmly.

"Groundwork for number 2," he said.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed McGonagall. "Number 2 is 'forbidden to spread my seed throughout four houses', Albus, and now they've seen him naked they are not going to turn him down."

"Bless my soul, how ...maaaaaaah!" said the goat.

"Number 22," said Harry. "Forbidden to turn the headmaster into a goat."

"The four contestants will play a game of gobstones, a game of wizarding chess and a game of exploding snap to void this contest and the real contest can then resume with the three proper contestants," said McGonagall.

"Then I will resume Gryffindor uniform," said Harry.


	7. Chapter 7

**No foolish wand waving.**

Harry Potter sat disconsolately in his room. The elf Dobby had got him into trouble and he wasn't allowed to do any magic to stop the Dursleys from hurting him, but Dobby wanted to stop him going back to Hogwarts too.

There would be those people he would not miss, of course. Professor Snape for one.

A memory drifted through Harry's mind.

 _There will be no foolish wand-waving in this class._

"Dobby, can you hear me?" said Harry, cautiously.

"The great Harry Potter sir wants Dobby?" the little creature popped up in front of him.

Harry grinned.

"Dobby, do you really want to keep me safe?" he asked.

The little creature nodded its outsize head vigorously.

"Oh, yes, Harry Potter, sir, Dobby will do anything to ..."

"Great! In that case you need to keep me safe from my relatives as well, so I shall need the following things. Can you go to the bank for me for money?"

"If Harry Potter sir authorises Dobby," said Dobby.

"Good. I need a lot of potions books, and a cauldron, because all my stuff is in the cupboard under the stairs."

"Why can't Harry Potter sir get it?"

"Has it escaped your notice, Dobby, that Harry Potter is locked in this room except when being beaten because of you, and fed once a day on soup? Stop knocking your head on the wall, it will get me beaten more, and make amends instead by making sure Hedwig and I are properly fed, and you get me things to poison my relatives just enough to make them tractable."

Dobby gaped.

"Harry Potter sir shouldn't be treated like that!" he squeaked.

"That was why I was looking forward to going back to Hogwarts," said Harry.

"Dobby will get Harry Potter sir all he needs to poison nasty muggles a bit, and Dobby will see if there are any better places for Harry Potter sir."

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Harry enjoyed brewing without Snape looming over him, and as Dobby was happy to poison the Dursley's food with bowel relieving draught, flatulence inducer and other interesting concoctions, none with too obviously magical results, Harry did not have to resort to his first plan of inserting potions into toothpaste tubes when allowed out to use the bathroom. In fact, Dobby hid and warded his brewing area so nobody could see it. Dobby knew a lot about brewing; he had been loaned to Severus Snape as a helper occasionally.

He also helped Harry brew an acid strong enough to destroy the workings of locks, so the keys turned on dissolved wards. Dobby used elf magic to make the bolts appear to be there when they had in fact been dissolved, so Harry could come and go as he wanted.

With his new found love of brewing, and nothing much else to do but holiday assignments, when Dobby Popped his trunk to him, Harry was happy enough in his room, especially when Dobby made a sun balcony on it for him, hidden from everyone else.

The Dursleys, meanwhile, were diagnosed as having Lyme Disease, and Uncle Vernon was suddenly on the sick and became one of those he had previously castigated as 'scroungers', which made Harry snigger.

The first of September came and went, and Dobby turned up looking jubilant.

"Master Harry Potter sir still has elves, and if he calls for them, they can come and sort out Potter Manor for him," he said.

"Wait, there's a Potter manor and I have elves? Why did Dumbledore put me here then?" asked Harry.

"He told your elveses, who are working in the Hogwarts kitchens, that you would be happier in a proper family. Dobby has told them what your proper family is like."

Harry duly called for his elves, and was taken to Potter Manor, which was under so many wards, Harry wondered why on earth his parents would have moved to a place with half-baked wards like Godric's Hollow, which he now knew about.

He removed everyone but himself from the wards, and set about meeting his relatives in portraits, and learning from the library.

Meanwhile the Dursleys stopped being quite as sick, and remembered the boy had not been let out for over a week.

They decided he had probably died and there was no point opening the door on that sort of smell.

Which was a little unfortunate for them, when members of the Order of the Phoenix turned up to see why Harry had not gone to school, or to visit his friend Ron Weasley, or been visible to the Weasley twins when they had turned up with the flying Ford Anglia.

The wards falling had been what prompted Dumbledore to send in people in force, rather than 'rescuing' a resentful Harry, even readier to trust him after his relatives had kept him from school for a week or so.

The effects of the potions having worn off, to superficial checks, anyway, the order members were disgusted to find a family of malingerers with no illness to be found by wand, who admitted that the boy was locked in upstairs if he was still alive.

It had not been Dumbledore's intention to have the Dursleys arraigned before the Wizengamot for child abuse, but then, perhaps he should not have sent a stickler for procedure like Moody.

Since Harry was missing, presumed dead, as all the Potter elves quietly removed all tracking charms from him and buried them in the garden in Privet Drive, Dumbledore had roosters brought in to deal with the basilisk and removed the diary from Ginny Weasley as soon as the chamber was opened.

Dobby's ties to his family were weak enough that Harry was able to break them by declaring Dobby a member of family Potter, and Lucius never knew what had happened to the volatile little elf.

Snape, however, suffered regular bouts of heartburn and flatulence as Dobby was happy to carry and administer potions.


	8. Chapter 8

"Um, guys, I think I found my animagus form. But you aren't going to like it."

"What, you ended up as a butterfly?" joked Ron.

"Er ... no,"

"You're a rat? Oh Harry, I'm so sorry, almost anything but that ..." Hermione was hyperventilating.

"'Mione! For goodness sake! Breathe! No, I'm not a rat."

"Well what are you?" asked Ron.

Harry bit his lip.

"You know you can be any normal animal, right?" he said.

"Oh Harry!" Hermione sounded judgemental. "Are you telling us you have managed to break all the usual magical laws and become a magical animal? What are you? A phoenix?"

"Hermione! Will you stop second-guessing me!" shouted Harry. "No, I'm not a magical animal. I'm a normal non magical animal."

"Well, what's the problem, mate?" asked Ron. "I don't have to worry about you being a blast-ended screwt and setting fire to the curtains if you change in a bad dream."

Harry sighed.

"I don't think anyone informed magic that the animal had to be from the modern era, or one which isn't extinct," he said.

"Harry! What are you saying?" demanded Hermione.

"I appear to be Tyrannosaurus Rex," said Harry.

"Well, mate, that'd be the power the dark lord knows not," said Ron. "Digestion!"

They threw cushions at him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Careers advice**

"So, Harry, have you given a thought to your career? I know you expressed an interest in being an auror," said Madam McGonagall. The pink toad in the corner managed to express her disbelief in this idea with a sneer.

"To be honest, Ma'am, I don't think there's a lot of point considering a career," said Harry. "I'm unlikely to survive to have one."

"What nonsense is this?" sneered Umbridge.

"Harry! How can you think so?" McGonagall was horrified.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" said Harry. "Voldemort has been trying to kill me since I was a baby, and he's not about to stop trying. The only thing will be if I die of blood loss or sepricaemia before he does."

"Why should you die of blood loss or septicaemia?" asked McGonagall.

"What a little drama queen of a liar Potter is," said Umbridge.

"It's not being a drama queen, the scars have been infected," said Harry, "And the blood loss is considerable."

"What blood loss?" McGonagall demanded.

"Why from detentions, of course," said Harry.

"He's lying," said Umbridge.

"Why would you have blood loss from detentions?" demanded McGonagall, ignoring the pink bitch.

"Well when the pen carves up my hand," said Harry. "You know about it; you told me to keep my head down, but that doesn't make any difference."

"YOU SAID WHAT?" McGonagall grabbed Harry's hand and tore off the bandage. Then she turned on Umbridge, who was a sickly colour.

"He ... he has to learn ..." she said.

She got no further.

McGonagall thumped her so hard she flew off her stool and lay in an unconscious heap on the floor.

McGonagall summoned ropes to tie her and threw some floo powder into the fire.

"Amelia Bones' office, DMLE," she said.


	10. Chapter 10

Logical inconsistencies.

"Excuse me, Professor, I have been told that Hogwarts is the safest place in Britain.

"Yes, Harry, that's perfectly true," the headmaster's eyes twinkled.

"Well, I wrote to Salem, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, and none of them has ever had an incident like a troll roaming the corridors, so if Hogwarts is the safest place in Britain, it's not safe enough and I'm moving abroard."

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"So let me get this straight, Professor McGonagall. I am being punished for being out of my bed after curfew, because this is detrimental to my health as a growing Wizard?"

"Yes, that is so, Mr. Potter."

"So I am being punished by being kept from my bed after curfew and sent into a dangerous environment. In what way is protecting my health covered by this?"

"Weel, it's a detention..."

"A detention making me do what I was being punished for? In what way is this logical? I refuse this detention on grounds that it is contrary to proper rules of health and safety."

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"So the Philosopher's Stone can restore Voldemort and it's hidden behind a three headed dog and other intricate defences, right, Hermione?"

"Yes, Harry, I told you. "

"And if three firsties were able to get through those defences don't you think Voldemort's adult agent would already have done so? Either it's well protected by the headmaster and we have no business risking our lives looking for it, or it's so badly hidden that we might as well flee the country because Voldemort is going to win, as plainly Dumbldore is too senile to oppose him."

"Dumbledore isn't senile! He's a great man!" shouted Ron.

"When you put it that way ..." said Hermione sheepishly.

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	11. Chapter 11

**Tears are also a weapon**

 _This is by way of being an outline which might or might not get filled in anyone wants to adopt it, feel free, please credit me and send me a link  
_

Harry Potter discovered at an early age that he could cry at will. He also discovered that if he cried silently when doing yard work, and cringed if anyone talked to him, it got neighbours threatening Vernon and Petunia. He discovered that crying at school got him out of breaktimes so Dudley could not beat him up, and even if Dudley called him 'crybaby' being the one in obvious distress gave him the moral high-ground. It even got him decent clothes, more food and new glasses made to prescription when a comment was passed that he looked like a cross between a political refugee and an escapee from Belsen. Petunia was not about to be accused of anything weird like keeping a concentration camp.

Crying at Hagrid bought him more time in Diagon Alley, and thus more books, and crying when Ron demanded to see his scar frightened off the crass redhead, and put Hermione into motherly mode. She firmly suggested that they should go into Ravenclaw where she could look after him, and Harry murmured about what a loyal friend she was. They ended up in Hufflepuff with Neville.

Harry's tears got him exempted from DADA, and as his prescription glasses emphasised how much he looked like Lily, his tears over not being allowed to study ahead had Snape scaring himself by feeding the boy tea and biscuits, and demanding later that he be removed from the Dursleys.

Harry saw no need to go on midnight prowls with the invisibility cloak which he viewed with deep suspicion. Strangers do not give gifts for no reason. He never found the mirror of Erised and he had no desire to court certain death on the third floor. When Neville and Hermione got excited about the Philosopher's Stone and took their information to Madam Sprout, who was inclined to try to get them to leave well alone, he cried at her until she promised to go and check it for herself with any teachers she could muster. Snape killed Quirrel, and ended his career as a spy as Voldemort's spirit was aware which side he was on.

He bought chocolate for Harry for arranging this.

In the second year, Harry cried at Dobby who had to retire to punish himself properly for upsetting the Great Harry Potter, so the dropped pudding never happened. Failing to get through the barrier, Harry cried at the first wizard he found, and was sent to school through the Floo. When Mrs. Norris was petrified, Harry cried all over Filch, who had no idea the boy was such a cat lover. He also cried more than Myrtle leading her to tell him all about the yellow eyes to get rid of him. Hermione was able to work it out from this, and Harry cried all over Snape who took a rooster down into the chamber after Harry opened it, and was the hero of the hour for killing the basilisk before any humans got petrified.

As soon as Harry heard about Sirius Black, he sent a tear-smudged letter to Amelia Bones asking for the trial transcripts to understand why his sworn godfather had betrayed him and his parents. Two months later a bemused Sirius Black answered a request to meet with no strings attached, and at Christmas Harry went home with his free godfather. He cried at Kreacher, who told him all about Regulus and Harry learned a new word. Sirius Black went on the rampage at Dumbledore with Kreacher and Snape as unlikely allies. The horcruces were all found and destroyed, except Nagini and Sirius found a ritual in the Black black library which allowed the removal of the one in Harry's scar.

When Amos Diggory started going on at Harry about Cedric managing to beat him to the snitch, Harry thought he had only one choice.

Harry burst into tears.

"Why is that bad old man attacking me verbally as if he thought I was Voldemort?" he sobbed loudly. "He's being rotten, anyone would think it was me who was two years older than his son and had been bullying him! I don't wanna go anywhere with him, he's nasty!"

"Dad!" Cedric was very uncomfortable. "You shouldn't act like that!"

Harry, however, had already launched his weapon of mass destruction.

Hurricane Molly.

Amos Diggory found himself verbally excoriated for gloating like a baby over a poor motherless child who did not have Cedric's advantages. Lily's and James' probable reactions were held up to Diggory, who paled at the idea of James calling him out, and at being called a coward because Harry was too young to call him out.

He left Cedric to go on to the game, and found he had something to do at home.

When Harry's name came out of the Goblet of Fire, he cried in front of the whole school, and refused to take part. Fleur decided that he was cute, and volunteered the information her father had found that a contestant had 24 hours to pull out. Harry was very grateful to Fleur. The false Moody called him a namby-pamby, and Harry agreed cheerfully.

When Fleur failed to rescue her sister, Harry cried at Fawkes until the phoenix rescued the little girl, and was consequently irritated with Dumbledore for his insensitivity over creatures of fire.

In the last test, Barty Crouch Junior kidnapped Harry, but Fleur also won and turned into her bird form at Wormtail, and killed him before he could start the ritual, and Harry cried at Junior long enough to be ignored so he could grab Wormtail's knife and stab him. He also stabbed Nagini before she bit Fleur, using the reflexes learned dodging Dudley and friends.

The homunculus form of Voldemort quietly died.

Harry married Fleur Delacourt and moved to France; Sirius had a villa in the south of France too anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

Training Tuney

Severus Snape regarded Lily's sister as she ranted about freaks.

The thought occurred to him that her jealousy was what drove her, and that she hated the attention to Lily. An idea occurred to him.

"You know, Petunia, I've been thinking," said Severus. "You may not have enough magic to get much out of a wand, but I wager you would be a pretty good potioneer. It doesn't take as much extrinsic magic, and you can do almost as much with potions as with spells. You're a good cook so you would have the feel for it."

The flare of hunger in Petunia's eyes was enough to show him he was on the right track. Then she schooled her face into a sneer.

"Oh, sure, you are setting up some horrible joke, aren't you?" she said.

"I swear on my magic no joke intended," said Severus. "I don't know if you do have enough magic, but I see no harm in trying. I can set up a test potion and when you stir it the way I tell you, if you have enough magic, it will change colour. If it does not, what have you lost? Half an hour? I can tell right away, you know, and if you do have the talent, why waste it? With potions, you can brew fame, bottle fortune and stopper death," he added, passionately.

"If you can brew fortune, why are you such a ragamuffin?" asked Petunia, scornfully.

He flushed.

"Because my father hates magic worse than you do, and if he catches mother brewing, he does something to spoil it, and if she has saved up to buy ingredients, that comes expensive. I am saving up to do my own brewing, but I have nowhere to do it. If you can learn, I was hoping to make a deal with you to brew in your house, whilst teaching you."

"Isn't it against your secrecy statutes?" asked Petunia. Severus smiled.

"That's the beauty of it; the trace for underage magic is on your wand. No wand, no trace. Potions are exempt."

"Very well, then," said Petunia. "Set up the test potion."

It was a simple pepper-up; and as Petunia stirred, it changed colour to a rich purple.

"Tuney, that's marvellous, you have more than enough power!" said Severus.

"Why didn't you ever tell me that it wasn't under the trace?" demanded Lily. "I would have done a lot of brewing if I had known."

"I assumed you knew; sorry," said Severus.

"Well, we can brew together now," said Lily. "In my room."

"Sorry, but I have to teach Petunia enough so she can work on her own while we are back at school," said Severus.

Lily left with something of a flounce, and Petunia stared at Severus.

"You upset Lily to help me?" she asked.

"You and I ... we have parent problems," said Severus. "Lily is favoured over you and she has no idea what it is like never being good enough, or having the wrong talents. For me, it's having magic for my father, and for you it's not having magic for both your parents. I hadn't thought about it before but we have a lot in common."

Severus distanced himself from the other Slytherin; they would kill him if they knew he was training – and later, going out with – not just a muggleborn, but someone they would see as a muggle. He asked to be re-sorted and moved into Ravenclaw, which had a schedule sufficiently different to that of Gryffindor that he rarely encountered the Marauders.

It was a shame, perhaps that he also rarely encountered Lily, but she was most put out by him giving time to Petunia and settled down to court, of all people, James Potter.

Five years later, as the youngest Potions Master in Britain, Severus Snape took his wife, Petunia, as an apprentice and with a loan from Gringott's they opened an apothecary shop and did very well with it.

Their son was called Tiberius Severus, and when Harry Potter was left on the doorstep of Petunia Evans – the house was in her name, and Dumbledore had no idea whether she was married or not, and certainly not to whom – they removed the curses of despite on the letter and changed his name to Hadrian Jacobus Potter Snape and reared him as a twin to Tiberius.

And as Severus quietly removed the blood wards and placed them around the favourite necking spot in the park, their side effect of lowering fertility did not affect them, and Tiberius and Hadrian were joined in due course by Rosa Lily and then Dahlia Lilac.


	13. Chapter 13

I just found this so it may as well go in with the drabbles

 **Dragonson**

 _I suppose it can't hurt,_ thought Harry, confronted by an irritable Hungarian Horntail mother.

 _Ssss Oh beautiful dragon, I wish they had not put your eggs at risk,ssssss_ he hissed in Parseltongue. _Ssss this is a stupid competition and I did not want to be here. ssss_

The dragon huffed back the gout of flame which was about to issue.

 _Ssssss you speak strangely ssssss_ she said

 _Sssss I have only ever spoken to snakes sssss_ said Harry, apologetically.

She put her head down towards him and Harry, hoping he was not making the biggest mistake of his life, walked towards her. He heard shrieks from the crowd.

She sniffed him.

 _Sssss my apologies, youngling. I thought you were only a human; but I smell the King Snake on you. We dragons give respect to the Basilisk. You are the son of a Basilisk. Why does she not protect you? Ssssss_

 _Sssss She was insane, mighty one, and she is dead,ssssss_ said Harry.

 _Ssssss you are too young to be without a protector, little hatchling. I will adopt you. You must undo this stupid binding on me and collect your siblings. Is there anything else you wish to take with you when we leave?"_

 _Ssss they say I will lose my magic if I do not compete in all the_

There was a huffing noise. The dragon was laughing.

 _Sssss they lied to you, hatchling; if you had no intent to enter, there is no bind to your magic. Magic is about intent. Now what must you fetch? sssss_

Harry thought hard. He believed the dragon; she had no reason to lie, and he had noticed that one could not lie in Parseltongue.

 _Ssss I must ask my elf friend to get what I need,sssss_ he said.

 _Ssss very well. sssss_

Harry muttered,

"Dobby can you come, and be invisible?"

A small POP beside him told him the elf was there.

"What can Dobby do for ...EEP!" said Dobby.

"Meet my mother," said Harry. "Dobby, I want my invisibility cloak, the map and my firebolt; it's all I value. And ... and a bag with warming charms for the eggs."

Dobby popped away and Harry found a shrunken broom and his cloak being thrust into his pocket, and a big bag in his hands.

He went towards the eggs.

"Remarkable, Mr. Potter seems to have persuaded the dragon to let him take the egg," said Ludo Bagman. "Mr. Potter! What are you doing? You only want the golden egg! Leave the others!"

Harry took no notice and loaded up all the eggs except the golden one.

Then he climbed calmly onto the neck of the dragon after casting alohamora on the chain which held her; and they were airborne in one stomach-dropping leap.

He whispered something to her, and she flew towards the Gryffindor area of the bleachers. Even with a human nose, Harry could smell that a number of brave lions had soiled themselves; including Ron, who had passed out. Hermione was staring at him.

"Come with me and my new mother and learn about dragons, Mione?" he said, reaching out a hand.

Hermione was clambering up behind him.

 _Ssss you are young to be mated but she is strong and brave, I approve your choice,ssss_ said his new foster mother.

There are parts of Wales which even wizards find hard to reach, and as it happened, Harry felt the shock of being recognised by wards and shouted this to Fekete, as he found the dragon was named.

.

Barty Crouch Junior lost his magic. Voldemort lost his chance. Dumbledore lost his marbles. Harry lost his connection to Voldemort with a dragon ritual, and Sirius Black lost the chance to have a godson when it transpired that he knew that the contract was not binding and thought that having Harry win was a grand prank on the Wizarding World.

Harry and Hermione became dragon animagi on a forgotten Potter estate and raised many hatchlings.


	14. Chapter 14

Albus Dumbledore never was very good at Herbology. He would not have known a privet bush if it had bit him, other than knowing it was used in hedging.

Unfortunately for his plans, he got confused between Privet Drive and Box Drive, Box being another kind of hedging shrub.

The inhabitants of number 4, Box Drive were Mr. Taurus Black, a squib, and Mrs. Eufemia Filch Black, a dropout from Hogwarts, with a total of five OWLS. The ministry, however, recognised her as a witch permitted to use a wand for cleaning and other household spells because she had graduated her OWLs, more or less, and because the Filch family were an old family despite its distressing tendency to throw up squibs and near squibs. Effie, as she liked to be called, remained on good terms with her embittered cousin Argus, whose own magic had been reduced to squibdom from its low level much like hers by a ritual which had gone wrong. Very few people knew that Filch owed his position to the guilt trip of one Albus Perceval Brian Wulfric Dumbledore who had offered to perform the ritual for an old schoolfriend and who had failed royally.

.

.

Naturally the Blacks knew exactly who Harry Potter was when they read the letter. The compulsion on it did not affect them since it was geared to Petunia's latent magic.

"Whatever was Albus Dumbledore thinking, to leave this poor bereaved mite on anyone's doorstep!" said Effie, angrily. "Especially that Dursley woman, who has delusions of adequacy."

"We are not rightly supposed to have him ..." Taurus, known as Bull, said.

"Nonsense," said Effie. "If you ask me, Magic herself has played a trick on Dumbledore, because he must be insane to trust a magical child to Petunia Dursley. I didn't know she was Lily Evans Potter's sister, but I wager that the Potters would not have wanted their precious baby entrusted to that broken down nag and her walrus."

"But won't we be charged with kidnapping?" asked Bull, who was as meek as a lamb in his own house.

"Not if we go up to Gringotts and register ourselves as his magical guardians through blood," said Effie. "The goblins can be nasty little bastards when they choose, but I wager they'd move heaven and earth to put a prank over Dumbledore."

.

.

Taurus did not dislike goblins; he had a fellow feeling for other members of the magical community who were discriminated against, and had gone to the lengths of learning Gobbledegook purely because it amused him to be treated to more respect for knowing goblin customs and language than most of the pure blood wizards.

Accordingly, he greeted not a teller, but the supervisor, reading the name badge accurately, not the English version.

"Garfang, may your gold and standing increase whilst your enemies sag in humiliation before you end them," he said to the goblin labelled 'Speartooth' in English. Gobbledegook had its roots in Old English too.

Garfang showed the polite number of teeth.

"Mr. Black, may your holdings grow whilst your enemies plead on their bellies," he replied. "What can I do for you?"

"My wife and I came accidentally into possession of one Harry James Potter, because the old meddler made a mistake," said Bull. "We would like to see if it is possible to adopt him because of his grandmother being my aunt."

"That should not be a problem," said Garfang, "I'll have a word with Griffclee."

Soon the Blacks and Harry were being led to a conference room by the goblin usually referred to as Griphook,

Having verified who the baby was, with a drop of blood, Griffclee grinned a pleased grin.

"He is a warrior, this one," he said. "See how well he retaliated with such minimal resources at his disposal!"

Harry had peed on Griffclee and threw the teddy bear Effie had got for him on the way.

"He will learn to discriminate who is a real enemy when he is older," said Bull, thankful that the goblin took Harry's disapprobation so well.

"He will learn to aim better as well," said Griffclee. "If you would care to make me his Godfather, I can teach him goblin fighting techniques legally, because we don't want Mr. Tom Riddle returning either."

"Excuse me?" said Bull.

"The dark lord; He-who-must-not-be-named; Voldemort. His real name is Tom Riddle out of the house of Gaunt, and he came in to claim his birthright. Which I am sure can go to Harry here by right of conquest," said Griffclee. "I'll talk to some people."

"Oh I am a believer in depriving the enemy of resources; even if you can tie it up in legal wrangling for the next fifty years or so that would be useful," said Bull.

Griffclee chortled happily.

A few painful signatures with blood quills later and Mr. and Mrs. Taurus Black were the legal guardians of Mr. Hercules 'Herry' James Potter Black, named according to the Black family traditions. They had a key at their disposal for his trust fund, and a stipend for his care from the Potter main vault, all previous keys destroyed, the stipend to the Dursleys diverted before it began, and the monies in circulation as the account manager saw fit.

"Get him interested in amateur dramatics and show him spy movies," said Griffclee. "I have no doubt that Dumbledore has his own agenda in sending the poor brat to his aunt and uncle, if they are as likely to despise magic as you think. He needs to know who he is and how he fits into society without being convinced he's a hero. Huh, if raised without knowledge of magic ... Great Horned Old Ones!" he exclaimed. "He would know no better than to treat old pure blood families to muggle manners and they would be offended, losing him potential allies and alienating potential rivals still further!"

"I'm going to strangle that old man," said Effie.

Griffclee laughed.

"We're going to strangle that old man in his own hubris," he said.

.

.

.

Hercules James Potter Black was excited to be going to school at last. He was fluent in Gobbledegook, a competent potioneer, well read in history, very capable with knife, sword and axe, rather good at warding and ward breaking, and he wanted a squint at the old gaga who had set him up to be groomed as a loser. He was wearing the heir rings of house Potter and house Black, as Griffclee had discovered that he had become heir to the Lord Black currently in prison for betraying James and Lily Potter. Herry thought it a tremendous irony, until he had asked Griffclee why he would be in the will of a man who wanted him dead.

The investigation of why a sworn godfather would be alive if he had betrayed his godson would be undertaken while Dumbledore was too taken up with the beginning of term to keep an eye on the Wizengamot.

.

.

Herry had enjoyed shopping in Diagon Alley even more than normal excursions. He shuddered to think how horrible it would have been if he had been untutored in the Wizarding World and possessed of a distinctive scar. Griffclee had seen to having it removed by an ancient goblin curse breaker of great power and a command of scatological English which impressed Herry more than his skill in curse breaking. The command of scatological Old English had enthused Herry in the study of Ancient Runes as well.


End file.
